The other day, I showed up on my yoga mat in tears. Frustrated at my new coworker who seemed unemphatic and devoid the awareness of her insensitive accusations and comments, I fumed over her and the imperfect diet + workout I failed to execute that day.
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I'm pretty sure I'm almost doing a faceplant. 😄 8 limbed staff pose. #ashtavrakasana #eightlimbsofyoga It look a LOT of practice getting this pose, sometimes I still don't get this pose down. I'm more proud of the person I became on this yogic journey than actually achieving a certain pose. I built discipline. I built self-confidence. I am mentally more stronger and Compassionate towards myself. That is the character that I have become on my journey to getting there. In a way, everything that we look to achieve whether that be in Fitness as in running a marathon, or striking a pose, or even getting the dream job is building us up to a new person. And less about the actual achievement itself. 😉 May you know this in your heart 💓and carry this message with you throughout the day so that when you fall on your face, you give yourself all the grace in the world and knowing that you showed up. And that you are getting better every single day.
For a beautiful, spiritual reason that I can’t explain in words (or logic), I didn’t turn to food to stuff my feelings down, as I normally would have. An addiction to numbing out I used frequently was to eat them away. If I had something to do, I didn’t have to focus on the present reality. It was a temporary escape that always left me feeling emotionally hollow, robbed of any energy, and added to weight gain and guilt. Spiritual intervention, I feel that it was. Something was working on my behalf to bring me out of that bingey-vibration.
I began my yoga practice anxious, antsy, irritated, mad at myself and feeling unloved. I felt like a towel that’s been wrung dry from this new coworker who now runs the kitchen at the cafe I worked at. The dance classes that I usually left even more energized and ecstatic at the end compared to the beginning of class seemed to drain me even more. I couldn’t capture the movements in my spine, nor could I remember what the next move was every 2 seconds. I was wearied out and frustrated. I couldn’t get into the groove that I longed for. I wanted to kick myself. Why wasn’t I getting this choreography perfect? Why wasn’t I feeling in a good mood? Why did I have that extra beef patty at work? And why didn’t I cook it rare but instead had it well done? Why wasn’t this day going perfect?
For a while I resisted this feeling of unhappiness on my yoga mat, but… then I turned it around and simply allowed it to be there. It wasn’t an easy process and I sure as hell didn’t do it alone. Spirit was with me.
When I realized I was gritting my teeth, and I prayed for a divine intervention. Slowly, the tears came. They dripped down on my mat as I flew from warrior two to three; splattered onto the floor when I shifted back to downward dog. At the end of the practice, instead of taking Savasana, I sat in hero pose and embraced myself with both arms tightly.
I was now full on sobbing. Sobbing and smiling. Sobbing and grateful.
A word bubbled up on my lips: love.
my, love, my love, my love.
I started chanting louder.
“My love, my love, my love!”
I suddenly felt the warm presence of an angel dawn upon me. She sat next to me and wrapped me in a golden cocoon of celestial light from shoulder to shoulder. They felt like wings. I felt safe.
Slowly, more words spilled out. I kept repeating a word or phrase until the next one came.
you are safe, you are protected, you are divinely guided
i love you
you are so worthy so worthy so worthy
not to worry not to worry not to worry
I’ve got you I’ve got you I’ve got you
you precious little thing there’s nothing to make up for
you have done nothing wrong, nothing wrong nothing wrong. I’m so proud of you, my darling my angel my love.
I felt compelled to channel the rest of her words, which fell from the heavens.
That night, I saw dream catchers in my dreams! Dream catchers are my chosen universal sign that I am doing all the right things, I’m in the right place at the right time, and they’re a message of reassurance from the universe in a time of fear and doubt. Among the many dream catchers I saw with a soul tribe of girls(which is a sign of connection!) that danced with them. I was one of these dancers. One dream catcher in particular spoke to me the minute I saw her. She was ethereal and had beautiful pink feathers at the sides, ornamented with soft specks of white at the edges, like snow touched them. Frosted. We danced together, spinning through the air, and somewhere along the way, she revealed her name: Darlena.
(I don’t picture her exactly like this but elements of her being are similar)
The next day I woke up feeling so, so refreshed. I felt brand new and well rested! It wasn’t until later on that day it dawned upon me that this was a sign from my personal guardian angel–the one whom I’ve always referred to as “Goddess” (since she didn’t have a name…) was revealed to me in my dream; “Darlena”! I was SO THRILLED to draw this parallel! It’s no coincidence that the night I had my spiritual smackdown, I experienced this dream.
I’m so, so grateful for the anxiety attack I had. I think it was the BEST anxiety attack I’ve ever had. It sure didn’t feel good at the time, but I made it better by feeling gratitude for the feelings that came up, and allowing them to be there. Instead of resisting. In the past, I would have fought it, ignored it, stuffed it down with food. I would have binged on food until I passed out and didn’t have to feel reality anymore.
I moved forward with grace, instead of grit.
Thank you spirit, for being with me. Thank you universe, Darlena, and thank you to myself for doing the work, and listening.
If you are going through something hard, pray for a divine intervention.
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What do (or would) you pray for every day?