Addiction Relapse + Dealing with Loss // Post Graduate Life

Hello m’fitties!

If you follow my youtube, you’ll know that finding a job post graduation was not easy.

I graduated with a B.A. Honours in acting this past April 2019. While I’m thrilled to finally be out of school, it’s also given me this new, scary freedom with my schedule. I love structure and thrive with plans and agendas. I like knowing where to be, when, and what my task is because it gives me a sense of purpose, obligation, and accountability.

I’ve longed to have more free time, and you know what they say–be careful what you wish for. Now that I had it, I felt this pressure to seek for the next thing, but I didn’t know what. I knew my priority fell in finding a job that suits my lifestyle. I was scared, excited, lost, confused, and bright-eyed and bushy tailed!

I’ve never been unemployed before. I’ve always been working since the age of 12. The thought of not having a stable, continuous income was unsettling. It’s a blessing that I had so much savings since then to hold me through the unemployment phase, which lasted nearly 2 months.

2 months that I couldn’t fathom getting out of bed. Two months of battling with my inner thoughts that I was unworthy, that I didn’t have value (because that was what was congruent with the facts of my reality at the moment). I gave up on myself. For a short while I gave up on everything, and everyone. I didn’t shower for nearly 2 weeks. I lost purpose even in my yoga practice and in running. I didn’t want to go out. What was the point? Where would I go? Who the hell wants to see me? I sure as hell didn’t even want to see myself.

sad crying

I was reminded of my former food addict in this relapse state. I was scared–the fear of relapse had me questioning if I’d ever be sober again.

I was so disappointed and hurt.

My face went puffy. My body reacted physically to the mental stress by puffing up and getting wired. I couldn’t sleep that well and often woke up in the middle of the night–or when I did finally fall asleep it was because I binged until I passed out. I knew sugar wasn’t good for me, but I wanted to spend more time unconscious than conscious and I knew it would knock me out, so I consumed a lot of junk food. I literally remember eating cookie butter directly from the jar at 3 a.m. in the morning, feeling miserable and jittery from the sugar high. I crashed 30 minutes later, greasy mouthed and so full at 10 am,t my stomach hurt.

I don’t know exactly how, but one morning I heard the words, “Get up. get up, because I have something for you.”

“Get up. get up, because I have something for you.”

Although I was reluctant at first, I, in a daze, miraculous got out of bed and sat down at my desk. My hands reached from the pink journal that said, “Get creative!” at the front and I suddenly I found words that were not mine stream through onto the pages.

forgiveness is a practice mantra

Slowly, through journaling, I compiled proof against my inner critic by listing out evidence that I was worthy. That good things were coming to me. That the universe didn’t just want to give me any job–it saw my value and wanted to gift me with just the right job. My passion lies within the health and wellness sphere. I build myself to have enough clients that I’m able to work remotely and travel the world, and work with whomever, whenever I please. While I’m still growing my brand online and in person, I love to also be an employee as much as I do a boss, so I searched for another source of stable income. So far, I’ve delivered newspapers, worked at Chipotle, at a spa as a receptionist, at a call center, and as an events coordinator for a weekly farmer’s market.

These were things I wrote about. I scripted into the future; what I longed for, my strengths, affirmations, and evidence of my imminent success.

journal goals diary intentions

That day I meditated for 20 whole minutes. From 0 to 20! That day I picked up the phone and talked to people (I’d forgotten what my own voice sounded like after not using it for so long!) I called places to ask for an interview and scheduled them in my planner.

I thanked God, universe, spirit guides for talking to me and giving me the strength to reclaim my power and confidence. I was brought to tears from the joy, calm, and gratitude I felt. I truly felt the presence of something greater than me on my shoulders.

gabrielle bernstein spirituality mantra universe

Stay tuned for part 2…