Amidst a panic attack, I remember writing this down in my phone and it got lost somewhere. I couldn’t have the lights on to grab a journal and pen to truly authentically write, with my shaky, tear-stained fingers because my parents would see that through doorway gaps; this poor, electronic thing was my only option.

I remember what happened that day. I was feeling depressed, miserable, and it was after a terrible binge; I felt physically ill from the amount of food in my stomach I had eaten; trying all day to fill the empty hole in my heart. A hole called loneliness. A hole that I still know all to well. I spent all day in bed, looking at my laptop and trying to find a distraction. I was sweaty. I was hot. I was tired of feeling tired.

And yet, when I’m with others, I couldn’t seem to deal with the anxiety that comes with being in their presence. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was spiritually lost.

Through the harsh light of my phone, I remember writing down this:

• This is a fear. Lack of self-control is your biggest fear. Cry, and cry hard my friend, because you have to look fear in the face. This is inevitable. You HAVE to conquer this at some point and crying is part of the process.

• There is no fail. There is only learning and trying and not succeeding, but being 1 step closer to success.

• This is a phase. Loneliness is a phase. We all feel lonely and sad sometimes.

• If you're too preoccupied with thoughts on work and errands and scheduling, you need to reevaluate your life. 1 month, 2 months, 6 MONTHS isn't all of your life. In fact, it's a small percentage of the life you will live.

• Take it ONE day at a time.

• Really ask yourself before you eat, work, or spend money, what emotion you are trying to escape from. When no emotion pops into mind, remember that numbness is what you're escaping from.

• Act how you want to feel.

• Don't look at social media if it brings you anxiety.

• Enjoy the luxury of this moment and savour it. There is luxury in every moment.

• Don't underestimate the power of a good night sleep.

• You are beautiful and worthy beyond words!

And it helped me calm down a little bit. Exhausted, I passed out and woke up the next day with a puffy face, naturally (from crying all night and the water retention from the sodium intake).

This blog is like a diary to me. Granted, I don’t share everything on here but the aspects that I do want to share I post it on my blog; if any part of this helps heal a wounded heart out there, then I’m glad I made my diary public.

I struggle. I really, truly do struggle and I’m often afraid to admit it because as a fitness and health professional, I feel we are not allowed to struggle. We would be called hypocrites.

We are not allowed to be human–we have to be 100% to the game, practicing what we preach, practicing what we know best, but I’m here to tell you that the best professionals continue to struggle or at least have struggled deeply with their expertise–that’s why we are so passionate about it. That’s why we’re able to empathize with our clients. That’s why we care. 

If you’re looking for a perfect professional, I’m here to tell you that that’s not me. I’m human. I’m broken. I’m healing. I’m on my own journey. I’m here to help you but I don’t believe I have to be perfect to do that.

I’m…relatable.

As long as you know how to guide someone else through their process of healing as a coach, there is no reason why you have to be bigger, better, stronger, or further along in your journey than them.

 

As long as you know how to guide someone else through their process of healing as a coach, there is no reason why you have to be bigger, better, stronger, or further along in your journey than them.

Are you afraid to admit to struggle? Do you feel like you have to censor yourself or keep up an image?