The long-awaited, dreaded post.
So. I’m leaving the program I’m in. For privacy, I’ve chosen not to disclose the specific reason why and those that were involved, but from my last post, “I don’t know what to do anymore“, you can tell it wasn’t what I expected it to be. It wasn’t how I expected things to play out.
I’ve always known since grade 9 what I wanted out of life; I wanted to sing, to dance, to act. I wanted to go to post secondary studying this. Add to that in grade 11 or 12 I realized I had bigger aspirations for myself too; to not just do that but to change the lives of others through coaching, through nutrition, through health and movement and fitness. Sharing all this with the world through social media allowed me to talk to people on the other side of the world.
And I still want that.
I have 1 more year to finish off my undergrad, and the plan was to do so in my program. I wanted this before I even got accepted into school…so I’ve been on this path for 3 years.
I ALWAYS finish what I started, and to have plans go awry like this…I just don’t know exactly how to put the period at the end of my sentence, per say. I don’t know howto finish what I started in acting now that I’m leaving.
Now what will I say?
What will I do with my life?
Hi I’m Linda and I study ____ at ______?
No longer was I studying acting.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know how to define myself anymore.
I know. I know that I don’t need to study acting to DO acting. Heck, Johnny Depp failed high school (or so I’ve heard) and look at him! I can get an agent and dive into the industry.
But what bleeds my heart is that I won’t be spending next year doing the course of acting, which I love. To indulge in the craft is to be human, is to be creative! I got to laugh, to cry, to have outbursts of unintelligible feelings and not need to justify them. I loved, I hated, I was curious and I was coy, and shy, and sinister, and evil, and big, and beautiful, and sexy, and and and–I’ve never felt so ALIVE doing all that.
For a period of time, I relapsed into using food to cope with the negative emotions. I had a lot of nightmares and I stopped running or doing yoga for a little bit. I went through life feeling numb, feeling depressed and stuck and constipated from all the food I was eating. My stomach hurt and I was tired of feeling tired and sick and low and lost.
Then one day I bit the bullet and went for a run. And that day, m’fitties, everything started to get just 1% better. But, better is better. And 7-1%’s make for progress.
Looking forward, I can only make lemonade out of the lemons I got, so here’s some positives:
- I stayed for the most important and challenging year of growth in this program; next year it’s just mostly shows, shows, shows.
- I was blessed to be a part of this program
- Things happen FOR me, not TO me.
- Now I have more time for blogging and YouTube since I don’t have rehearsals.
- I get to check out some cool clubs with more time too
- I explore a different side of campus where I will attend my new classes
- What I do is not a reflection of who I am.
- What happens to me is not a reflection of what I’m worth.
- My value cannot be measured.
- I have something to give to the world, and I’m gonna do it.
I’m still working hard on accepting this.
I`ll certainly miss these lovelies as I head forward to a new, scary chapter of my life.
But I`m sure it`ll still be exciting…
Whats one thing you’re proud that you’ve overcome?