October 25, 2016
I’m done. I broke down in class. I can’t take it anymore. I felt so hopeless and scared.
I was so stressed today, I had an anxiety attack in class.
I had my yoga mat in the corner of the room in movement class and I couldn’t get over the overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread and urgency in me. I felt stressed emotionally, tired out physically and worn out by life. The instructor talked to me gently about how I was always pushing pushing really hard and that I simply need to be. And it’s true–even in relaxing I can’t relax because I’m trying so hard to relax and then I think about the tasks I should be completing and I feel guilty for relaxing. During sleeping, I even try really hard to fall asleep, which is an oxymoron in itself.
I sat the class out because I refused to go home(she asked if I wanted to) and instead acted as an observer and I actually was enlightened by what I saw. I learned a lot by taking myself out of the situation and acting as a witness to the work my classmate actors performed in improvisation.
I canceled my underfeed day today and also my two work shifts to come home to rest, cook my favourite food (balut and bacon), start some homework projects, and chat with my housemate Wardah.
I told her what happened and we chatted for a while. Then we chatted about other things like religion, Islam, Christianity, and mentality. My heart felt so worn out and heavy when I came home but after spending an afternoon resting and ditching work (which would have drained me), I feel so much better now, and I even found myself laughing and engaged with the conversation, despite my distraughtful morning.
What I really need right now is a break from life, more walks in nature, more yoga, more breathing, and less time spent staring at a screen, at paper and pencil, at trying, trying, trying. I need to be with nature–I have this yearning to have the wind blow away the clouds in my head, to carry me to the clouds. I have felt this in my gut and my stiff body for a long time, but I’ve always ignored it because of the amount of work I make myself complete to stay on top of all my projects(school, my job, youtube, blogging, etc).
As much as I would like this, I don’t know how I will achieve this. Life won’t stop for me to breathe. I have to keep trudging on.
Today I broke down–that is a sign that I need a break and at least I took one today.
Have you ever had an anxiety attack in public? How about an attack in the worst possible time ever? What happened and how did you deal with it? What caused it? What do you do when you’re stressed beyond measure? Have you ever been so tired you had a mental breakdown?
