A link up with Amanda.
Recently I’ve been feeling sad.
Actually, not recently. It’s been like this for many, many years and it’s never changed, no matter how much I try. I am lonely. I am broke. I am just a little girl with big, hopeless dreams. I go somewhere to have fun and get bored of it within minutes. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy and live life? Why can’t I just appreciate things in the present, instead of worrying about the future and feeling angry and sad with the past? Why can’t I get a job after applying to 50 places in the past 2 years while my friends get hired after just 2 weeks of searching? Heck, why can’t I just win lotto 649, move out of this stupid house with my stupid so-called “parents”, and pay for all my post secondary fees that my parents refuse to support, and live life without worrying about bankruptcy? Why can’t I just rid of everything toxic in life and live happily? Oh wait, I would have to rid of myself then, since I even make myself sick.
Why why why why? What is going on with me? Why can’t I be like other people, happy, and free? Why do I stand in the shadow as everyone dances in the light?
These are the thoughts running through my head on a daily basis. I see it in the way I carry myself. Heavy, filled with running thoughts, worrying, calculating, thinking and planning. Never feeling like I’ve done enough, and I don’t know why. I see it in the way my friends never chase me down, but it’s always me chasing them down to hang out. I am just an option. I am a wallflower.
I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I wish these feelings would go away so I can finally feel at ease with myself. I’m sick(literally too), and tired of this and I don’t know what to do.
So what’s it going to take? How long do I have to endure this? What do I have to do??